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Frankly Speaking – Thomas Calabrese

By   /  April 20, 2017  /  8 Comments


(Once every ten million, One in ten billion) One in Ten Billion

 Thomas Calabrese

Billions of stars and thousands of planets from different galaxies were in perfect alignment for this unique celestial event that only occurred once every ten million years and lasted less than a tenth of a second. An energy beam so powerful and unique that it defied human description and comprehension was directed at one particular part of Planet Earth and that place was Oceanside, California. Dorothy Dutton was pregnant and wasn’t due for three more weeks when she started experiencing labor pains. Her husband Ray would have driven her to Tri-City Hospital, but he was on deployment with his Marine Corps unit. Dorothy got in her car and was driving on Rancho Del Oro when the blinding light came through the windshield and she felt a strange sensation inside her stomach. From that moment forward, nothing would ever be the same!

Years later,

Frank Dutton often arrived at the fitness center before sunrise and would stay until noon. One professional athlete stood off to the side and marveled at the intensity and difficulty of Frank’s exercise regime which included one arm handstand push-ups while balancing himself on an exercise ball, then said to his personal trainer, “How can any man do what’s he doing. It is physically impossible!”

The trainer was equally awestruck, “When you’re honed to the razor’s edge of physical perfection like Frank, you have to work that hard to keep from dulling the blade.”

Frank received a special award from the Literary Society of American for writing a ninety seven word sentence where every word began with the same letter. It was so moving and touching that a federal law had to be written that Frank’s statement could never be spoken in public without proper medical personnel in attendance to help those that would be overcome by strong emotions and intense feelings.


The Queen of England met Frank Dutton at Buckingham Palace for tea and a quick game of cricket and after he left, The Queen was so choked up about meeting a living legend that she could barely get out these words after he was knighted, “Sir Frank Dutton is the kind of man that every boy wishes he could be when he grows up and wishes he had been when he’s an old man.”

When in France, Frank visited a barbershop and got a shave and haircut and the sales of men’s grooming products went up 300 per cent in the country when French men tried to follow his grooming example. In Florence, Italy Frank painted an updated mural of the Mona Lisa on the side of his hotel using only a paint roller. It was three stories high and had Mona Lisa wearing a dress from his own signature line of women’s’ affordable clothing. He also sculpted a G-rated version of David wearing baggy surfer shorts and flip flops using only a claw hammer and a butter knife for tools.

Frank Dutton accidentally cracked the rib of a grizzly when he gave him an over affectionate bear hug. Using only a garden trowel and a spray bottle, Frank Dutton saved one thousand houses during the San Diego wildfires.

Unbelievable acts of courage, bravery and heroism are just part of the daily routine for Frank Dutton.

Because of his extreme modesty, Frank turned down Sainthood from the Catholic Church, but agreed to be the spiritual adviser to the Pope. A portrait of Frank Dutton sets next to the U.S. Constitution because his lifestyle exemplifies the high ideals and principles on which the United States of America was founded.

Frank Dutton was Norman Rockwell’s favorite subject and main inspiration. Rod Serling once said “There is a sixth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination and fantasy where anything is possible. It is an area which we call “The Dutton Zone.”

Frank is the only man to throw a perfect game in bowling when throwing the ball overhand and a no-hitter in baseball while the throwing the ball underhand. Even after the Supreme Court makes a decision, they still check with Frank Dutton to see if they did the right thing. The North Star and Frank Dutton both lead lost and desperate people to safety. The weight of Frank Dutton’s words have strained the backs and buckled the knees of Olympic powerlifters. He plays Russian roulette with a loaded revolver and wins, solves the Rubik’s cube blindfolded because he can feel colors. His passport doesn’t require a photo and his signature won the Pulitzer Price. He turned a vampire into a vegetarian, a werewolf into a lapdog and made a weeping willow laugh. His shadow walks in the light and he is an independent bi-partisan  independent voter who is part bleeding heart progressive conservative and part pro military tea party small government constitutional liberal.

When Hilary Clinton said, “What difference does it make?” after the Benghazi attack, Frank Dutton was first to respond, “Truth is the difference; Truth will always be the difference.”

He audited the IRS when they failed to tax him enough and using five thousand gunny sacks and some ready mix cement from Home Depot, Frank stopped the dangerous erosion of an ocean bluff in Encintas, protecting homeowners and businesses in the process.

Frank mentored Bill Gates and Steve Jobs in computers, Warren Buffett in finance and Donald Trump in hotel management. He is so protective of the environment that mighty oak and giant redwood trees seek shelter behind him during storms.

Sworn political enemies, Nancy Pelosi and Ron Paul made a joint public statement. “It is important that every American has complete access to affordable literary works of art therefore we fully support “Dutton books” a series of self- help manuals and emotionally uplifting novels.

When Frank Dutton wrote a poignant and realistic story about military homecomings, three millions Americans joined the Armed Forces with the hope that they could experience the same life changing feelings.

He took it as an opportunity to get some extra exercise when zoologists asked him to chase down cheetahs in Africa and tag them with tracking devices. If you typed in the words “Frank Dutton’ into your GPS, it will not only lead you where you want to go, but also makes sure that you are exactly where you should be in your life.

Frank developed a method of hydroponic gardening where a hundred thousand pounds of vegetables could be grown in the back of a Toyota pick-up with only six inches of dirt then gave the technology to the starving people of the Sudan.

There are Cub scouts, Boys Scouts, Eagle Scouts and Dutton Scouts. Dutton Scouts are required to perform 25,000 hours of global community service where they must make a profound and meaningful contribution to mankind and the planet. Many people work well into their seventies to acquire this unique honor. The Food and Drug Administration ruled that only hot dogs that use the very highest quality and purest meats can be called “Franks.” Google had to hire fifty additional workers to keep track of Frank Sutton’s ever expanding accomplishments. Kenny Loggins sang “Dutton Zone” in the movie Top Gun.

Frank has often said that he wanted to change the world though humor and the collective laughing of a hundred million viewers caused the earth to slightly spin off its axis. That minor correction eliminated global warming and cooling and the entire world is now experiencing Global Perfect Weather.

It has become common practice in the English language that when someone wants to be honest and straightforward they say. “May I be Frank with you.” which is short for “May I be Frank Dutton with you.”

Mountains are molehills and insurmountable obstacles are stepping stones to Frank Dutton. He secured the release of former Marine AndrewTahmoressi from a Mexican prison in less than fifteen minutes after our government accomplished nothing for over two months. He told the President of Mexico that starting at midnight the United States would deport one hundred violent felons from American prisons every hour until Tahmoressi was back home. The President of Mexico not only released Tahmoressi immediately, but provided his personal limo, an authentic Mexican buffet and a pitcher of Margaritas for the former Marine to enjoy on his way back to the San Ysidro border. Mariachi bands also were situated along the route as well and as expected, their song of choice was; Saludi Mucho Hombre, Frank Dutton!

Frank Dutton traveled the world ending armed conflicts and bringing peace and tranquility to people who had only known pain and suffering and when the current administration was overwhelmed by gross incompetency and the President was near mental collapse because of the ongoing scandals and partisan bickering and gridlock, Congress pleaded for merciful intervention, “Where is Frank Dutton? We need help.”

The political representative from the Oceanside, California area stood up, snapped to attention and replied with reverence and respect, “Frank Dutton is an American Patriot and wherever he goes and whatever he does, he expands the boundaries of this country far beyond its shores and borders while carrying the best of Americana with him. Mr. President and my fellow members of Congress, when you cry out in anguish, when is Frank Dutton coming back, America says to you; look into the part of your heart that hasn’t been corrupted by the fraud, waste and abuse of a criminal political bureaucracy and you will see that Frank Dutton’s spirit has never left us, we just have to find the courage to look for it.”

Democrats and Republicans held hands and began to sing the following trilogy; “THE FRANK SPANGLED BANNER “followed by “GOD BLESS FRANK DUTTON” and finally a rousing rendition of “DUTTON NATIONAL ANTHEM.” Their words echoed through the Capitol Rotunda as the harmonious voices of despicable politicians reached a crescendo that rivaled the greatest choirs of all time.

A recording of these uplifting songs has been made available to everyone in the world. The title of the album was appropriately named; Frankly Singing!




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  1. John Michels says:

    Frankly Tom you did a fantastic job of telling the world about my life.

  2. Cary says:

    Good ole’ Frank Dutton…my kind of man.

  3. Pat Madden says:

    A very different story. Is Frank’s real name Tom?

  4. Mike says:

    What is Frank going to accomplish next?

  5. Ron says:

    Five Duttons for your latest story.

  6. Mona says:

    What a bunch of hyperbole! It must be the biography of the author!!! Great story…glad I know the man!

  7. Wolf says:

    I heard about a lady that experienced a similar celestial event that caused her not to age. After reading Tom’s great story I had the incredible desire to have DOS EQUIS.

  8. Tony Marengo says:

    Another great story by Tom Calabrese. Different from his many other stories that appeared in your paper but none the less a great story. Wish we truly had a Frank Dutton. The world could use his talents.
    Keep them coming Mr. Calabrese you have a unique writing skill and imagination.

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